I didn't want him to thank me, but why does he always hate me! No matter what I do, its never good enough!
[ Komeada's words rile her, her tone as sharp as a hiss. Does he think she's dumb? Of course she couldn't possibly expect a thank you...but didn't she deserve a little more? Begging for scraps of forgiveness, The tiredness fades, the comforting numbness drops away. She's tearful, angry, alive. She can't help but rant in Komeada's face, even knowing he probably won't care. ]
He always thought the worse of me from the moment he saw me. It's like everything I do doesn't even matter. I can try as hard as I want...you know back then it was all on me!? I know it was the wrong choice now, but nobody else was willing to make it!! It wasn't like I wanted her to die either! But if I didn't choose right, everyone could die! How could you expect me to...how am I suppose to know what to do! I'm just an average person!?
[ She regrets it every moment of every day, but how much can she take? It's all on her, and she's awful for it. There's only so much sadness and guilt her heart can take before it blooms out into resentment. She thought she could try to be better then that, to quash those feelings, but its hard. She doesn't want other people to be right about her. She wants to be told she's a good person for once.
But when it came time to put it to the test, why did she turn to violence rather then admit to herself Sou might be right? ...It's an admission of itself...hah. ]
I was taking it okay...I know he'd be angry and yell at me. But he...I don't know how to explain... [ She'd have to explain Keiji, and Gin, and why acusing Sara of killing them had felt like such an utter betrayal. She told him what Midori had said about her, he'd said it was wrong, and then he walked back on it. Said she was probably dead because she betrayed everyone, and the poor victim Shin Tsukimi had taken her down with him. Something like that...when she'd tried so hard...mustered up her courage. The idea that she would kill Keiji of all people, the one person she couldn't loose. How to explain? Really, she didn't want to tell him at all, lest she find Komeada making the same conclusions. That's not the kind of person she is... ] It hurt me, okay? It was personal. If its fine that he reacted negatively to hearing about Kanna, then he betrayed my trust right back! I...I know it wasn't right what I did...but he wanted to hurt me.
[ If Shin gets to be in hysterics, well she was too. But the accusation of being cruel saps the vigor from her words. Sara quails, slouches down on the desk like a scolded child. She didn't mean to be cruel...she just...
He called her Hiyori when she was trying to kill him, and that was enough to take the fight of anybody. She didn't want to inherit that name. Didn't Shin want it? Why had he liked her so much? Why had he shown her how to strangle a person like that? ]
Whatever...we aren't friends anymore so it doesn't matter. I don't think we were ever friends. He's right, and you're right, and Midori was right, and I'm terrible. The end.
Edited (believe it or not this post needed more exclamation points) 2021-12-30 10:05 (UTC)
You are average; a boring, normal individual where there's nothing special about you.
( she's but a young girl with no hope coming from her, and yet, like a matryoshka doll does he peel back her layers slowly waiting for her to surprise him. when he removes the first part, inside there's still a human, and he peels it back again coming to the same conclusion. for someone so boring, with no individuality, she keeps his interest that makes him stay until he finds what he's looking for — perhaps that small, faint light that he's drawn to will appear the more he goes pulls at the sides of the object. the fact that she has his attention, that she garners attention from others, it takes that simple connection for her choices to matter, for the good and for the bad, that's how they must feel. her innocence is no longer there, but they counted on her, and she would have to rely on them. he peels another shell, but there's never not anything left behind, it's that part of her that she shows to him.
he looks up to meet sara's eyes, trying to meet her in the middle, she can assume his actions and thoughts all she wants, but komaeda continues confidently, not bothered by her words. he's seen this sort of fragility, if this was bravery or even unwavering determination, then she wouldn't be like this, rather, she wouldn't allow her emotions to take control, to want more, what she received wasn't much, and her gift to him. )
That doesn't mean you made the wrong choice, sometimes... for the sake of the group, you have to swallow down that pain, you weren't thinking selfishly, but for everyone there. If it's true, and you hadn't, they all would have died. What then? ...It must have been hard, you all trusted each other...
( he remembers ranger's words on the matter about them, how they they created connections, their own brand of happiness for each other to keep going, that's where it all starts. they have high hopes that'll crumble, but they're meant to grow stronger, strengthen what they have, because who knows when everything will be taken from them. it's like watching a child who wants validation, but know they've done wrong, and he's been through it all before. he's seen his own murder game, he's seen another, he's part of his world's own destruction, a remnant of that despair, and he's unable to change.
his eyes blink slow, he wonders if he'll ever view that steady flicker of a flame shivering from the cold, even that can grow into something fierce. )
That's why you shouldn't look down on the deaths of those that will carry on with you, their hopes become your hope, and you move with them, you could stand to teach him that too. That's how Hinata-kun lived.
( emotional, easily upset because no one wants to kill, but that's the name of the game as she knows it, she's aware of how things are meant to go. she saved shin, killed his sister, but komaeda doesn't know the concept of family, he wouldn't understand the notion to die for them instead when his own hated him entirely. shin knew the rules of his murder game, he should have known what would happen, but maybe it was that bond that made him want to take that fall, but there's was nothing he could do.
he's right, shin's right, midori's right...
the sound of a loaded bullet echo in his mind, and he blinks slow... that's nothing more than a truth bullet had been obtained. )
Listen to yourself... to carry the weight of that decision will haunt you, ( he finds ways to explain, to comfort, to split between the rights and wrongs. for komaeda who places hope into everything, for someone who's willing to kill, but he thinks about the people involved. ) He'll never be satisfied, asking for that from someone like him... ( when komaeda holds out one hand, he's able to hold the size of shin's hope, and around that is a murky fog that moves along with that faint orb. it's not strong, it's pretty weak, and some days that darkness parts, and other days, it snaps in on itself like a rubber band pulled, then released. ) ...if not by his own merit, it must be difficult.
You have to give him time, but he can't be kept to his thoughts alone... maybe someone will keep him active. ( for komaeda who made his decisions when left to his own thoughts, they would whisper, tell him secrets he already knew. tell him if he wanted to do the right thing that he had to kill them all, he needed to sacrifice himself and them, save the traitor who was their hope, accept that end, and everything would be better for the outside world. ) Tsukimi-kun would hate me for even giving advice, ahaha... answer me this, do you regret your relationship? I've heard you two laughing, seen you two together, he might have been difficult, but... through that despair as you push through the darkness, you'll find hope on the other side. If you start to think everything was for nothing, it'll eat away at you, and you're better than that. If not, perhaps you're as terrible as you say, but the Chidouin-san I've met had hopes, that's why she made bonds.
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[ Komeada's words rile her, her tone as sharp as a hiss. Does he think she's dumb? Of course she couldn't possibly expect a thank you...but didn't she deserve a little more? Begging for scraps of forgiveness, The tiredness fades, the comforting numbness drops away. She's tearful, angry, alive. She can't help but rant in Komeada's face, even knowing he probably won't care. ]
He always thought the worse of me from the moment he saw me. It's like everything I do doesn't even matter. I can try as hard as I want...you know back then it was all on me!? I know it was the wrong choice now, but nobody else was willing to make it!! It wasn't like I wanted her to die either! But if I didn't choose right, everyone could die! How could you expect me to...how am I suppose to know what to do! I'm just an average person!?
[ She regrets it every moment of every day, but how much can she take? It's all on her, and she's awful for it. There's only so much sadness and guilt her heart can take before it blooms out into resentment. She thought she could try to be better then that, to quash those feelings, but its hard. She doesn't want other people to be right about her. She wants to be told she's a good person for once.
But when it came time to put it to the test, why did she turn to violence rather then admit to herself Sou might be right? ...It's an admission of itself...hah. ]
I was taking it okay...I know he'd be angry and yell at me. But he...I don't know how to explain... [ She'd have to explain Keiji, and Gin, and why acusing Sara of killing them had felt like such an utter betrayal. She told him what Midori had said about her, he'd said it was wrong, and then he walked back on it. Said she was probably dead because she betrayed everyone, and the poor victim Shin Tsukimi had taken her down with him. Something like that...when she'd tried so hard...mustered up her courage. The idea that she would kill Keiji of all people, the one person she couldn't loose. How to explain? Really, she didn't want to tell him at all, lest she find Komeada making the same conclusions. That's not the kind of person she is... ] It hurt me, okay? It was personal. If its fine that he reacted negatively to hearing about Kanna, then he betrayed my trust right back! I...I know it wasn't right what I did...but he wanted to hurt me.
[ If Shin gets to be in hysterics, well she was too. But the accusation of being cruel saps the vigor from her words. Sara quails, slouches down on the desk like a scolded child. She didn't mean to be cruel...she just...
He called her Hiyori when she was trying to kill him, and that was enough to take the fight of anybody. She didn't want to inherit that name. Didn't Shin want it? Why had he liked her so much? Why had he shown her how to strangle a person like that? ]
Whatever...we aren't friends anymore so it doesn't matter. I don't think we were ever friends. He's right, and you're right, and Midori was right, and I'm terrible. The end.
no subject
( she's but a young girl with no hope coming from her, and yet, like a matryoshka doll does he peel back her layers slowly waiting for her to surprise him. when he removes the first part, inside there's still a human, and he peels it back again coming to the same conclusion. for someone so boring, with no individuality, she keeps his interest that makes him stay until he finds what he's looking for — perhaps that small, faint light that he's drawn to will appear the more he goes pulls at the sides of the object. the fact that she has his attention, that she garners attention from others, it takes that simple connection for her choices to matter, for the good and for the bad, that's how they must feel. her innocence is no longer there, but they counted on her, and she would have to rely on them. he peels another shell, but there's never not anything left behind, it's that part of her that she shows to him.
he looks up to meet sara's eyes, trying to meet her in the middle, she can assume his actions and thoughts all she wants, but komaeda continues confidently, not bothered by her words. he's seen this sort of fragility, if this was bravery or even unwavering determination, then she wouldn't be like this, rather, she wouldn't allow her emotions to take control, to want more, what she received wasn't much, and her gift to him. )
That doesn't mean you made the wrong choice, sometimes... for the sake of the group, you have to swallow down that pain, you weren't thinking selfishly, but for everyone there. If it's true, and you hadn't, they all would have died. What then? ...It must have been hard, you all trusted each other...
( he remembers ranger's words on the matter about them, how they they created connections, their own brand of happiness for each other to keep going, that's where it all starts. they have high hopes that'll crumble, but they're meant to grow stronger, strengthen what they have, because who knows when everything will be taken from them. it's like watching a child who wants validation, but know they've done wrong, and he's been through it all before. he's seen his own murder game, he's seen another, he's part of his world's own destruction, a remnant of that despair, and he's unable to change.
his eyes blink slow, he wonders if he'll ever view that steady flicker of a flame shivering from the cold, even that can grow into something fierce. )
That's why you shouldn't look down on the deaths of those that will carry on with you, their hopes become your hope, and you move with them, you could stand to teach him that too. That's how Hinata-kun lived.
( emotional, easily upset because no one wants to kill, but that's the name of the game as she knows it, she's aware of how things are meant to go. she saved shin, killed his sister, but komaeda doesn't know the concept of family, he wouldn't understand the notion to die for them instead when his own hated him entirely. shin knew the rules of his murder game, he should have known what would happen, but maybe it was that bond that made him want to take that fall, but there's was nothing he could do.
he's right, shin's right, midori's right...
the sound of a loaded bullet echo in his mind, and he blinks slow... that's nothing more than a truth bullet had been obtained. )
Listen to yourself... to carry the weight of that decision will haunt you, ( he finds ways to explain, to comfort, to split between the rights and wrongs. for komaeda who places hope into everything, for someone who's willing to kill, but he thinks about the people involved. ) He'll never be satisfied, asking for that from someone like him... ( when komaeda holds out one hand, he's able to hold the size of shin's hope, and around that is a murky fog that moves along with that faint orb. it's not strong, it's pretty weak, and some days that darkness parts, and other days, it snaps in on itself like a rubber band pulled, then released. ) ...if not by his own merit, it must be difficult.
You have to give him time, but he can't be kept to his thoughts alone... maybe someone will keep him active. ( for komaeda who made his decisions when left to his own thoughts, they would whisper, tell him secrets he already knew. tell him if he wanted to do the right thing that he had to kill them all, he needed to sacrifice himself and them, save the traitor who was their hope, accept that end, and everything would be better for the outside world. ) Tsukimi-kun would hate me for even giving advice, ahaha... answer me this, do you regret your relationship? I've heard you two laughing, seen you two together, he might have been difficult, but... through that despair as you push through the darkness, you'll find hope on the other side. If you start to think everything was for nothing, it'll eat away at you, and you're better than that. If not, perhaps you're as terrible as you say, but the Chidouin-san I've met had hopes, that's why she made bonds.