Yay. You pass, Komeada. You're so smart. Its like I don't even have to say it.
[ She doesn't even need to incline here head to tell him he's right. Maybe she shouldn't have been so obvious. That metaphor from months ago had been her own little prototype of yesterdays confession. Even back then, she'd been trying to understand what she did. ]
Her name was Kanna Kazuchi... She was fourteen, and Shin's very own long lost sibling. Not that he knew at the time...but I think he was brother enough in how he treated her. [ Not always the best, but it was clear how much he'd cared. ] She wanted to die very badly. To atone. That's what she said anyway. These days I'm not sure how she really felt.
[ Its very easy to say you want to die, to be brave and protect someone, but Sara had never found that part of herself to last very long. Kanna probably regretted being selfless like that. She hadn't died quickly or pleasantly. ]
Honest...I guess? I didn't tell a lie, but it didn't turn out well. You asked me if truth or lies are better, but I still don't know. [ A harsh smile tugs at her lips, but doesn't reach her eyes. It's not really that funny. Everything went wrong. ] Care for another round? Maybe you can guess what he said, and I'll act out the rest.
( he doesn't sound proud, but if he didn't put things together quickly, that would have resulted in the death of many of his peers. acting fast means that he can help hinata, helping hinata means that the ultimates had another chance to spread their hope, but komaeda would play for either side. ) You can say I listen to you.
( every time sara speaks, a little piece of past conversation creeps up, the river growing, and growing, and he wonders if this is how she'll overflow. there's only so many walls she can put up, but it'll never encase the length of the creek properly, and so some of the water rises over, and splashes in his general area. komaeda's capable of swimming, but he wonders if shin has trouble doing so, is he susceptible to drowning because of everything that she carries. his lips purse into a straight line, he's not disappointed, he's only swallowing everything down.
when she joked that he wanted to be called an older brother, it all shows itself in due time. )
...
( death to atone, it's no different from komaeda's suicide — to rid the world of despair, to reincarnate into something better, someone better, to become ultimate hope so that he could be revered, and loved, and thought about. that was his way of atoning, so he thinks of kanna kazuchi that he doesn't know, and wondered why did she want to die very badly. )
There's nothing more satisfying when you can choose your own death, Chidouin-san, and by your own rules. I wouldn't take such words for granted. ( with a smile, he shrugs his shoulders, not that he would understand her feelings when every death in different, and so do their feelings. even though komaeda killed himself, it still traumatized him to no end, but that's a feeling he doesn't let carry his actions, weigh him down, he did what he believed was right.
maybe she did too? )
Alright then... I'll try to understand Tsukimi-kun's thoughts, after you told him, he must have felt betrayed too. He's manipulating, calculative... he uses his brain, mostly, but he's emotional too, things tend to get to him, he tries really hard to block it out... From his name, to the way he acts, he enjoys living a lie, doesn't he? I wouldn't be surprised if he just wanted to live his little happy life that he made in his happy, glass home all to himself.
( this is his only chance considering he's out the majority game, all he has to do is survive, but komaeda isn't taking sides. he's listening, like he said before, but he's playing her game, he'll have to guess if he wants to figure it out — why would he want to figure it out? why would he care about comforting.
...
how will hope flourish if those are stricken by despair when they haven't built themselves up? )
People have to be careful when throwing stones, it's fragile after all.
[ She doesn't have the energy to deal with his...unique views on dying, so she just shoots him another glowering look. Obviously she can't agree with a word of that...her own vows aside, calling a young girls death "satisfying" is a bridge too far. If Kanna felt that way...maybe Sara just had to wait around till the tree spat Kanna out and see if the girl still admired her.
Sara assumes Komeada is only playing along because she's framed this as a game...they don't have to take it seriously when its just play of guessing motivations. Looking into his eyes, she still can't tell if he's concerned or disdainful. Komeada has always been hard to read, it scared Sara, but he'd been predictable enough, kind enough at times that Sara could play along and ignore what she didn't want to. He might be concerned, he patted her shoulder, but how could she know. Knowing felt very important right now.
So...the way he talks about Shin shocks her. It's blunt, and a little cruel, but he's really taking this seriously. Even if she doesn't know how he feels, he's giving this a lot of thought, trying to understand Shin which feels like an chore half the time. She perks her head up, staring harder. Had Shin really felt that way, wanting to live like that? ]
I guess so... [ It's distant, her focus shifting before she sets her lips and frowns down at the desk. ] But I'm not fragile like that.
'Isn't it enough that I'm sorry.' [ The quote slips out without any of last nights emotion. ] But no, it wasn't. He had to hurt me. He had to say why he thought I died. And when he did...when he basically said it was my fault I was dead...! After everything I did, and how much I tried! Just...I thought we were friends. I know he'd be angry, but I thought I could change something this time.
...I just did it on instinct after that. Hah... [ She inclines her head to the pile of coat. ] His scarfs still in there. Killing him with Sou Hiyori's old things. It would have been awful.
( people who want to live see the world differently from people who want to die, so he can't see how it's awful, but he understands it's not something she wants to hear. when people are told to die, and are killed by others without the want from it, they feel as if they failed, that it was taken from them before they even had a chance. then there are those who choose to die with pride, still having that, and normally the enemy loses out on that fulfillment, the satisfaction gone from their grasp, and then they feel as if they missed their chance.
it's a victory that dies with you that no one can have, and if she wanted to protect him, at a young age like that. she's a brave individual, for someone to risk their life for someone like shin tsukimi, there are truly idiots in the world. yet, people too have saved komaeda's life, so he can't say much about it. )
Chidouin-san, in a position like that, did you think Tsukimi-kun would thank you?
( "thank you for saving me", or "aha... you made the right call, miss sara" is what she was probably looking for, validation for her decision from the person that she saved. someone like tsukimi shin deserves a bit more credit, he isn't grasping at straws, accepting the pill that's given to him to swallow because he's lost his sense of taste, so it makes sense why he couldn't stomach such an idea. why he didn't care for her apology. )
...Ah, he's not your Tsukimi-kun. He would have known if you killed her already, but...
( it's that odd piece npckun had said before, "he has a three year old sibling waiting at home for him," and he thinks about how messy these worlds happen to be, their lives truly play like a simulation with alternate routes, and paths that they pave for themselves, some more painful than others for them. )
That's for another time. ( clearing his throat, he pauses, thinking about whose side he would have been on for this, she had asked him before who would he have picked. komaeda's answer was to allow them to choose, but that's not how it worked from ranger's explanation of the game. he had the key, so he had the vote, but the thought to swallow the key and choke on it was always there for him. ) A sorry will never be enough, but... why do you take his response so negatively, people who can react so emotionally... shows that they care.
( as for komaeda who stares with a lack of emotion in his own eyes, empty, dead just like the appearance that he has. those that can cry, those that can yell their feelings from when they feel pain, but there's no such thing as that for others who are numb to their surroundings. shin still has something left, though he should be handled carefully, even his own thoughts and actions tend to bite him in the ass, and so he would jut to various conclusions on the defense. )
I think friends act like this at each other. ( isn't that why hinata yelled and cried at him when komaeda's true personality was shown to the crowd, it's because they trusted each other, and that's why he yelled and screamed when he remembered komaeda throwing his lack of talent in his face, and his world felt like it was ending. ) If he wasn't angry, then you'd have something to be worried about. ( he glances over to the coat, then back over to sara, that sort of reaction wasn't for survival, what is it... proving she was right? how nasty. )
I'm disappointed, but not surprised. Hurting him with what abused his sanity before, that truly is cruel of you, Chidouin-san.
( he won't cut any corners, but he doesn't get up to leave, instead, he takes a deep breath. )
You weren't wrong, but it sounds like he was in a fit of hysterics, trying to find some semblance of being right, because his thoughts have all been wrong. That in itself, isn't wrong to do, it's backing himself into a corner, but...
I didn't want him to thank me, but why does he always hate me! No matter what I do, its never good enough!
[ Komeada's words rile her, her tone as sharp as a hiss. Does he think she's dumb? Of course she couldn't possibly expect a thank you...but didn't she deserve a little more? Begging for scraps of forgiveness, The tiredness fades, the comforting numbness drops away. She's tearful, angry, alive. She can't help but rant in Komeada's face, even knowing he probably won't care. ]
He always thought the worse of me from the moment he saw me. It's like everything I do doesn't even matter. I can try as hard as I want...you know back then it was all on me!? I know it was the wrong choice now, but nobody else was willing to make it!! It wasn't like I wanted her to die either! But if I didn't choose right, everyone could die! How could you expect me to...how am I suppose to know what to do! I'm just an average person!?
[ She regrets it every moment of every day, but how much can she take? It's all on her, and she's awful for it. There's only so much sadness and guilt her heart can take before it blooms out into resentment. She thought she could try to be better then that, to quash those feelings, but its hard. She doesn't want other people to be right about her. She wants to be told she's a good person for once.
But when it came time to put it to the test, why did she turn to violence rather then admit to herself Sou might be right? ...It's an admission of itself...hah. ]
I was taking it okay...I know he'd be angry and yell at me. But he...I don't know how to explain... [ She'd have to explain Keiji, and Gin, and why acusing Sara of killing them had felt like such an utter betrayal. She told him what Midori had said about her, he'd said it was wrong, and then he walked back on it. Said she was probably dead because she betrayed everyone, and the poor victim Shin Tsukimi had taken her down with him. Something like that...when she'd tried so hard...mustered up her courage. The idea that she would kill Keiji of all people, the one person she couldn't loose. How to explain? Really, she didn't want to tell him at all, lest she find Komeada making the same conclusions. That's not the kind of person she is... ] It hurt me, okay? It was personal. If its fine that he reacted negatively to hearing about Kanna, then he betrayed my trust right back! I...I know it wasn't right what I did...but he wanted to hurt me.
[ If Shin gets to be in hysterics, well she was too. But the accusation of being cruel saps the vigor from her words. Sara quails, slouches down on the desk like a scolded child. She didn't mean to be cruel...she just...
He called her Hiyori when she was trying to kill him, and that was enough to take the fight of anybody. She didn't want to inherit that name. Didn't Shin want it? Why had he liked her so much? Why had he shown her how to strangle a person like that? ]
Whatever...we aren't friends anymore so it doesn't matter. I don't think we were ever friends. He's right, and you're right, and Midori was right, and I'm terrible. The end.
Edited (believe it or not this post needed more exclamation points) Date: 2021-12-30 10:05 am (UTC)
You are average; a boring, normal individual where there's nothing special about you.
( she's but a young girl with no hope coming from her, and yet, like a matryoshka doll does he peel back her layers slowly waiting for her to surprise him. when he removes the first part, inside there's still a human, and he peels it back again coming to the same conclusion. for someone so boring, with no individuality, she keeps his interest that makes him stay until he finds what he's looking for — perhaps that small, faint light that he's drawn to will appear the more he goes pulls at the sides of the object. the fact that she has his attention, that she garners attention from others, it takes that simple connection for her choices to matter, for the good and for the bad, that's how they must feel. her innocence is no longer there, but they counted on her, and she would have to rely on them. he peels another shell, but there's never not anything left behind, it's that part of her that she shows to him.
he looks up to meet sara's eyes, trying to meet her in the middle, she can assume his actions and thoughts all she wants, but komaeda continues confidently, not bothered by her words. he's seen this sort of fragility, if this was bravery or even unwavering determination, then she wouldn't be like this, rather, she wouldn't allow her emotions to take control, to want more, what she received wasn't much, and her gift to him. )
That doesn't mean you made the wrong choice, sometimes... for the sake of the group, you have to swallow down that pain, you weren't thinking selfishly, but for everyone there. If it's true, and you hadn't, they all would have died. What then? ...It must have been hard, you all trusted each other...
( he remembers ranger's words on the matter about them, how they they created connections, their own brand of happiness for each other to keep going, that's where it all starts. they have high hopes that'll crumble, but they're meant to grow stronger, strengthen what they have, because who knows when everything will be taken from them. it's like watching a child who wants validation, but know they've done wrong, and he's been through it all before. he's seen his own murder game, he's seen another, he's part of his world's own destruction, a remnant of that despair, and he's unable to change.
his eyes blink slow, he wonders if he'll ever view that steady flicker of a flame shivering from the cold, even that can grow into something fierce. )
That's why you shouldn't look down on the deaths of those that will carry on with you, their hopes become your hope, and you move with them, you could stand to teach him that too. That's how Hinata-kun lived.
( emotional, easily upset because no one wants to kill, but that's the name of the game as she knows it, she's aware of how things are meant to go. she saved shin, killed his sister, but komaeda doesn't know the concept of family, he wouldn't understand the notion to die for them instead when his own hated him entirely. shin knew the rules of his murder game, he should have known what would happen, but maybe it was that bond that made him want to take that fall, but there's was nothing he could do.
he's right, shin's right, midori's right...
the sound of a loaded bullet echo in his mind, and he blinks slow... that's nothing more than a truth bullet had been obtained. )
Listen to yourself... to carry the weight of that decision will haunt you, ( he finds ways to explain, to comfort, to split between the rights and wrongs. for komaeda who places hope into everything, for someone who's willing to kill, but he thinks about the people involved. ) He'll never be satisfied, asking for that from someone like him... ( when komaeda holds out one hand, he's able to hold the size of shin's hope, and around that is a murky fog that moves along with that faint orb. it's not strong, it's pretty weak, and some days that darkness parts, and other days, it snaps in on itself like a rubber band pulled, then released. ) ...if not by his own merit, it must be difficult.
You have to give him time, but he can't be kept to his thoughts alone... maybe someone will keep him active. ( for komaeda who made his decisions when left to his own thoughts, they would whisper, tell him secrets he already knew. tell him if he wanted to do the right thing that he had to kill them all, he needed to sacrifice himself and them, save the traitor who was their hope, accept that end, and everything would be better for the outside world. ) Tsukimi-kun would hate me for even giving advice, ahaha... answer me this, do you regret your relationship? I've heard you two laughing, seen you two together, he might have been difficult, but... through that despair as you push through the darkness, you'll find hope on the other side. If you start to think everything was for nothing, it'll eat away at you, and you're better than that. If not, perhaps you're as terrible as you say, but the Chidouin-san I've met had hopes, that's why she made bonds.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-12-29 09:57 am (UTC)[ She doesn't even need to incline here head to tell him he's right. Maybe she shouldn't have been so obvious. That metaphor from months ago had been her own little prototype of yesterdays confession. Even back then, she'd been trying to understand what she did. ]
Her name was Kanna Kazuchi... She was fourteen, and Shin's very own long lost sibling. Not that he knew at the time...but I think he was brother enough in how he treated her. [ Not always the best, but it was clear how much he'd cared. ] She wanted to die very badly. To atone. That's what she said anyway. These days I'm not sure how she really felt.
[ Its very easy to say you want to die, to be brave and protect someone, but Sara had never found that part of herself to last very long. Kanna probably regretted being selfless like that. She hadn't died quickly or pleasantly. ]
Honest...I guess? I didn't tell a lie, but it didn't turn out well. You asked me if truth or lies are better, but I still don't know. [ A harsh smile tugs at her lips, but doesn't reach her eyes. It's not really that funny. Everything went wrong. ] Care for another round? Maybe you can guess what he said, and I'll act out the rest.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-29 10:35 am (UTC)( he doesn't sound proud, but if he didn't put things together quickly, that would have resulted in the death of many of his peers. acting fast means that he can help hinata, helping hinata means that the ultimates had another chance to spread their hope, but komaeda would play for either side. ) You can say I listen to you.
( every time sara speaks, a little piece of past conversation creeps up, the river growing, and growing, and he wonders if this is how she'll overflow. there's only so many walls she can put up, but it'll never encase the length of the creek properly, and so some of the water rises over, and splashes in his general area. komaeda's capable of swimming, but he wonders if shin has trouble doing so, is he susceptible to drowning because of everything that she carries. his lips purse into a straight line, he's not disappointed, he's only swallowing everything down.
when she joked that he wanted to be called an older brother, it all shows itself in due time. )
...
( death to atone, it's no different from komaeda's suicide — to rid the world of despair, to reincarnate into something better, someone better, to become ultimate hope so that he could be revered, and loved, and thought about. that was his way of atoning, so he thinks of kanna kazuchi that he doesn't know, and wondered why did she want to die very badly. )
There's nothing more satisfying when you can choose your own death, Chidouin-san, and by your own rules. I wouldn't take such words for granted. ( with a smile, he shrugs his shoulders, not that he would understand her feelings when every death in different, and so do their feelings. even though komaeda killed himself, it still traumatized him to no end, but that's a feeling he doesn't let carry his actions, weigh him down, he did what he believed was right.
maybe she did too? )
Alright then... I'll try to understand Tsukimi-kun's thoughts, after you told him, he must have felt betrayed too. He's manipulating, calculative... he uses his brain, mostly, but he's emotional too, things tend to get to him, he tries really hard to block it out... From his name, to the way he acts, he enjoys living a lie, doesn't he? I wouldn't be surprised if he just wanted to live his little happy life that he made in his happy, glass home all to himself.
( this is his only chance considering he's out the majority game, all he has to do is survive, but komaeda isn't taking sides. he's listening, like he said before, but he's playing her game, he'll have to guess if he wants to figure it out — why would he want to figure it out? why would he care about comforting.
...
how will hope flourish if those are stricken by despair when they haven't built themselves up? )
People have to be careful when throwing stones, it's fragile after all.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-30 07:35 am (UTC)[ She doesn't have the energy to deal with his...unique views on dying, so she just shoots him another glowering look. Obviously she can't agree with a word of that...her own vows aside, calling a young girls death "satisfying" is a bridge too far. If Kanna felt that way...maybe Sara just had to wait around till the tree spat Kanna out and see if the girl still admired her.
Sara assumes Komeada is only playing along because she's framed this as a game...they don't have to take it seriously when its just play of guessing motivations. Looking into his eyes, she still can't tell if he's concerned or disdainful. Komeada has always been hard to read, it scared Sara, but he'd been predictable enough, kind enough at times that Sara could play along and ignore what she didn't want to. He might be concerned, he patted her shoulder, but how could she know. Knowing felt very important right now.
So...the way he talks about Shin shocks her. It's blunt, and a little cruel, but he's really taking this seriously. Even if she doesn't know how he feels, he's giving this a lot of thought, trying to understand Shin which feels like an chore half the time. She perks her head up, staring harder. Had Shin really felt that way, wanting to live like that? ]
I guess so... [ It's distant, her focus shifting before she sets her lips and frowns down at the desk. ] But I'm not fragile like that.
'Isn't it enough that I'm sorry.' [ The quote slips out without any of last nights emotion. ] But no, it wasn't. He had to hurt me. He had to say why he thought I died. And when he did...when he basically said it was my fault I was dead...! After everything I did, and how much I tried! Just...I thought we were friends. I know he'd be angry, but I thought I could change something this time.
...I just did it on instinct after that. Hah... [ She inclines her head to the pile of coat. ] His scarfs still in there. Killing him with Sou Hiyori's old things. It would have been awful.
me lookin up im sorry this is so long https://i.imgur.com/QEf4A4F.png
Date: 2021-12-30 08:37 am (UTC)it's a victory that dies with you that no one can have, and if she wanted to protect him, at a young age like that. she's a brave individual, for someone to risk their life for someone like shin tsukimi, there are truly idiots in the world. yet, people too have saved komaeda's life, so he can't say much about it. )
Chidouin-san, in a position like that, did you think Tsukimi-kun would thank you?
( "thank you for saving me", or "aha... you made the right call, miss sara" is what she was probably looking for, validation for her decision from the person that she saved. someone like tsukimi shin deserves a bit more credit, he isn't grasping at straws, accepting the pill that's given to him to swallow because he's lost his sense of taste, so it makes sense why he couldn't stomach such an idea. why he didn't care for her apology. )
...Ah, he's not your Tsukimi-kun. He would have known if you killed her already, but...
( it's that odd piece npckun had said before, "he has a three year old sibling waiting at home for him," and he thinks about how messy these worlds happen to be, their lives truly play like a simulation with alternate routes, and paths that they pave for themselves, some more painful than others for them. )
That's for another time. ( clearing his throat, he pauses, thinking about whose side he would have been on for this, she had asked him before who would he have picked. komaeda's answer was to allow them to choose, but that's not how it worked from ranger's explanation of the game. he had the key, so he had the vote, but the thought to swallow the key and choke on it was always there for him. ) A sorry will never be enough, but... why do you take his response so negatively, people who can react so emotionally... shows that they care.
( as for komaeda who stares with a lack of emotion in his own eyes, empty, dead just like the appearance that he has. those that can cry, those that can yell their feelings from when they feel pain, but there's no such thing as that for others who are numb to their surroundings. shin still has something left, though he should be handled carefully, even his own thoughts and actions tend to bite him in the ass, and so he would jut to various conclusions on the defense. )
I think friends act like this at each other. ( isn't that why hinata yelled and cried at him when komaeda's true personality was shown to the crowd, it's because they trusted each other, and that's why he yelled and screamed when he remembered komaeda throwing his lack of talent in his face, and his world felt like it was ending. ) If he wasn't angry, then you'd have something to be worried about. ( he glances over to the coat, then back over to sara, that sort of reaction wasn't for survival, what is it... proving she was right? how nasty. )
I'm disappointed, but not surprised. Hurting him with what abused his sanity before, that truly is cruel of you, Chidouin-san.
( he won't cut any corners, but he doesn't get up to leave, instead, he takes a deep breath. )
You weren't wrong, but it sounds like he was in a fit of hysterics, trying to find some semblance of being right, because his thoughts have all been wrong. That in itself, isn't wrong to do, it's backing himself into a corner, but...
( that doesn't mean she was right, either. )
no subject
Date: 2021-12-30 10:03 am (UTC)[ Komeada's words rile her, her tone as sharp as a hiss. Does he think she's dumb? Of course she couldn't possibly expect a thank you...but didn't she deserve a little more? Begging for scraps of forgiveness, The tiredness fades, the comforting numbness drops away. She's tearful, angry, alive. She can't help but rant in Komeada's face, even knowing he probably won't care. ]
He always thought the worse of me from the moment he saw me. It's like everything I do doesn't even matter. I can try as hard as I want...you know back then it was all on me!? I know it was the wrong choice now, but nobody else was willing to make it!! It wasn't like I wanted her to die either! But if I didn't choose right, everyone could die! How could you expect me to...how am I suppose to know what to do! I'm just an average person!?
[ She regrets it every moment of every day, but how much can she take? It's all on her, and she's awful for it. There's only so much sadness and guilt her heart can take before it blooms out into resentment. She thought she could try to be better then that, to quash those feelings, but its hard. She doesn't want other people to be right about her. She wants to be told she's a good person for once.
But when it came time to put it to the test, why did she turn to violence rather then admit to herself Sou might be right? ...It's an admission of itself...hah. ]
I was taking it okay...I know he'd be angry and yell at me. But he...I don't know how to explain... [ She'd have to explain Keiji, and Gin, and why acusing Sara of killing them had felt like such an utter betrayal. She told him what Midori had said about her, he'd said it was wrong, and then he walked back on it. Said she was probably dead because she betrayed everyone, and the poor victim Shin Tsukimi had taken her down with him. Something like that...when she'd tried so hard...mustered up her courage. The idea that she would kill Keiji of all people, the one person she couldn't loose. How to explain? Really, she didn't want to tell him at all, lest she find Komeada making the same conclusions. That's not the kind of person she is... ] It hurt me, okay? It was personal. If its fine that he reacted negatively to hearing about Kanna, then he betrayed my trust right back! I...I know it wasn't right what I did...but he wanted to hurt me.
[ If Shin gets to be in hysterics, well she was too. But the accusation of being cruel saps the vigor from her words. Sara quails, slouches down on the desk like a scolded child. She didn't mean to be cruel...she just...
He called her Hiyori when she was trying to kill him, and that was enough to take the fight of anybody. She didn't want to inherit that name. Didn't Shin want it? Why had he liked her so much? Why had he shown her how to strangle a person like that? ]
Whatever...we aren't friends anymore so it doesn't matter. I don't think we were ever friends. He's right, and you're right, and Midori was right, and I'm terrible. The end.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-30 08:01 pm (UTC)( she's but a young girl with no hope coming from her, and yet, like a matryoshka doll does he peel back her layers slowly waiting for her to surprise him. when he removes the first part, inside there's still a human, and he peels it back again coming to the same conclusion. for someone so boring, with no individuality, she keeps his interest that makes him stay until he finds what he's looking for — perhaps that small, faint light that he's drawn to will appear the more he goes pulls at the sides of the object. the fact that she has his attention, that she garners attention from others, it takes that simple connection for her choices to matter, for the good and for the bad, that's how they must feel. her innocence is no longer there, but they counted on her, and she would have to rely on them. he peels another shell, but there's never not anything left behind, it's that part of her that she shows to him.
he looks up to meet sara's eyes, trying to meet her in the middle, she can assume his actions and thoughts all she wants, but komaeda continues confidently, not bothered by her words. he's seen this sort of fragility, if this was bravery or even unwavering determination, then she wouldn't be like this, rather, she wouldn't allow her emotions to take control, to want more, what she received wasn't much, and her gift to him. )
That doesn't mean you made the wrong choice, sometimes... for the sake of the group, you have to swallow down that pain, you weren't thinking selfishly, but for everyone there. If it's true, and you hadn't, they all would have died. What then? ...It must have been hard, you all trusted each other...
( he remembers ranger's words on the matter about them, how they they created connections, their own brand of happiness for each other to keep going, that's where it all starts. they have high hopes that'll crumble, but they're meant to grow stronger, strengthen what they have, because who knows when everything will be taken from them. it's like watching a child who wants validation, but know they've done wrong, and he's been through it all before. he's seen his own murder game, he's seen another, he's part of his world's own destruction, a remnant of that despair, and he's unable to change.
his eyes blink slow, he wonders if he'll ever view that steady flicker of a flame shivering from the cold, even that can grow into something fierce. )
That's why you shouldn't look down on the deaths of those that will carry on with you, their hopes become your hope, and you move with them, you could stand to teach him that too. That's how Hinata-kun lived.
( emotional, easily upset because no one wants to kill, but that's the name of the game as she knows it, she's aware of how things are meant to go. she saved shin, killed his sister, but komaeda doesn't know the concept of family, he wouldn't understand the notion to die for them instead when his own hated him entirely. shin knew the rules of his murder game, he should have known what would happen, but maybe it was that bond that made him want to take that fall, but there's was nothing he could do.
he's right, shin's right, midori's right...
the sound of a loaded bullet echo in his mind, and he blinks slow... that's nothing more than a truth bullet had been obtained. )
Listen to yourself... to carry the weight of that decision will haunt you, ( he finds ways to explain, to comfort, to split between the rights and wrongs. for komaeda who places hope into everything, for someone who's willing to kill, but he thinks about the people involved. ) He'll never be satisfied, asking for that from someone like him... ( when komaeda holds out one hand, he's able to hold the size of shin's hope, and around that is a murky fog that moves along with that faint orb. it's not strong, it's pretty weak, and some days that darkness parts, and other days, it snaps in on itself like a rubber band pulled, then released. ) ...if not by his own merit, it must be difficult.
You have to give him time, but he can't be kept to his thoughts alone... maybe someone will keep him active. ( for komaeda who made his decisions when left to his own thoughts, they would whisper, tell him secrets he already knew. tell him if he wanted to do the right thing that he had to kill them all, he needed to sacrifice himself and them, save the traitor who was their hope, accept that end, and everything would be better for the outside world. ) Tsukimi-kun would hate me for even giving advice, ahaha... answer me this, do you regret your relationship? I've heard you two laughing, seen you two together, he might have been difficult, but... through that despair as you push through the darkness, you'll find hope on the other side. If you start to think everything was for nothing, it'll eat away at you, and you're better than that. If not, perhaps you're as terrible as you say, but the Chidouin-san I've met had hopes, that's why she made bonds.